In the end,

It is not about being fooled by words and by actions
It is about being betrayed of promises and of trust.

In the end,
It is not about being scarred at heart and at a million other parts
It is about being the lover and not the loved one.

In the end,
It is not about who won and who failed
It is about who loved and who lost.

In the end,
It is not about just a heart break then
It is about what you did and what I will do thereafter.

Then,
In the end,
I will pick up each shard of what’s broken and patch it back myself.
I will find my soul's lost glory and restore it in full blossom again.

In the end,
I will live with neither excuses nor regrets.
I will exuberate neither your lies nor my pain.

In the end,
I will neither forget you as a bitter experience nor bury you as a bad memory.
I will highlight you as a life’s lesson - better learnt than regretted.

In the end, I know,
It is easy to lie than to be true.
It is easy to pretend than to be real.
It is easy to hide than to show.
It is easy to deny than to accept.
It is easy to run away than to confront.
It is easy to destroy than to create.
It is easy to say than to do.

Then, in the end, I know,
I didn’t lie, I was true.
I didn’t pretend, I was real.
I didn’t hide, I showed up.
I didn’t deny, I accepted.
I didn’t run away, I confronted.
I didn’t destroy, I created.
I didn’t just say, I also did.

In the end,
It is not about just a heart break then
It is about who you are and who I am.

In the end, then,
You were neither my prince nor my hero.

In the end, then,
I’m not just a character of a book, I am the creator of my life's story.

In the end, then,
I will not hate you more than I loved you.

In the end, then,
I will not be You.

In the end, then,
It is not really The End.

I will wake up with a new dream and dream about it in daylight again
I will walk on the roads less trodden and sail on those waves again
I will let my heart bleed love and paint the world red again
I will make my choices and stand by them grounded again
I will write the story of love and be the lover once again

Love is not lost in translation. Love IS the translation.
Love is not the excuse. Love IS the reason.
Love is not in just being loved. Love IS being able to Love too.
Love IS being the lover too.

And that..you know...IS a great knowing:)

The Metaphor..

She was a loony at heart. Always.

Yes, she had almost lost her heart twice, went weak in her knees a few times, but, she was yet awaiting her chance, to be loved back, still. When she was not playing her part in life, she was painting a whirlwind romance in her head – leaving behind a dreamy expression on her face for the world to see.

It was by sheer chance that she had happened to meet him. “It can’t be a chance meeting bumping into you”, she had murmured to herself then as she took a long second glance at him. She had known then, there itself, that he was the face missing from her story, the rhythm missing from her song.

Today,, months after that first chance encounter, he was right in front of her. A scene right out of her head, she told herself. Her loony head. It spoke more to herself than to the world outside..Checks. He was wearing checks, she noted with a flutter:)
Could this be real? Could he be everything that she had thought of him to be? She was a dreamer.. This could be a dream too. Right. This was supposed to be a dream. Its manifestation was not meant to be.. Or so had she talked herself to sleep every night?? Whatever that it was, it was not meant to reach him!

How on earth did he know about her dream? Did he know that she dreamt of him every single night?? He had brought with himself too many questions! But, before she could even reach her heart to fetch the answers,, his hand had wrapped her around her waist.

He was warm. Warmer than she had imagined him to be. So close to her heart now, he was altering all her assumptions of him - heart beat by heart beat.. Ummm, it couldn't be a heart beat, she corrected herself quickly. Right now,, her heart was racing a marathon and pounding a thump louder than a lion roar..Her heart was scared..as scared as she was.. Or happy?? Very happy..?? She was confused. The whole of her was.

What had drawn him to her?? What was he thinking - grabbing her by her waist?? How did he know?? Had she been too obvious of her love for him?? Gosh No!! Her brain was racing her heart now and they both were getting nowhere.. Nowhere close to the answers at least! Traitors of blood had left her alone on this battleground.

She looked up to him for the first time. She was too petite for him. Or may be he was just too tall.. Hmm,,this was not the time to ponder on the tall and short of things, she gathered herself back. Not when she was close enough to experience a massive power failure of her heart! She had never seen him from this close, ever. He looked more Godlier than he did otherwise. Chiseled to the chin, a neat stubble and those eyes. Deep, dark eyes. The whole of universe could drown into them, she thought. Wow. Her eyes tried to shy away,but, he had them locked to his.

He winked back at her as if to break herself ongoing self chatter. No exchange of words had happened since what now looked like forever and neither of them spoke even now. May be words were not always meant to fill vacuums. He drew her closer and the intimacy had spread a pandemic of goose bumps across her flesh. Her hands, stone cold by now, touched against his built to avoid total collision. The space between their hearts had never been so scarce.. Never. She could hear his heart pounding too. It was a stronger, sturdier thump than hers. The most beautiful sound she had ever heard. She guessed he had sensed her cold body even before she had. He looked at her again and answered all her questions through those eyes. She didn't have to ask, he didn't need to know. Their hearts had communicated.

This was not her dream. It would not end at the break of dawn. Yes, she had dreamt of him for the longest of time that she could remember. And for the longest time had she been afraid of this confession, afraid of falling in love, afraid of being loved. But here he was.. Filling her being with love she couldn't contain, with happiness she couldn't hide. She was about to explode when he carefully planted a kiss on her forehead. Like he had waited - waited as long as she had, for this moment to arrive. Like he wanted her as bad as she had. Like this was his dream come true. Like she had completed his puzzle as he had added music to her love song.

Everything about him had been warm. Warm like the first sunshine after a cold winter. Warmth that could melt her world in his one embrace. And melt, she did, as he took her in his arms. For infinity to find them..It was not the dream. It was him. The dream had just been the metaphor of him:)

One Cup and One Billion Dreams - Only in India

I am not a cricket fan. AND in the part of the world I live - India - this IS a Big thing to say.

Living in the Mecca of cricket, all my life, I’ve really pondered hard to understand the psyche that goes behind this game.. And all the reasoning - logical and otherwise - has only stumped me out, Every Single Time.
So,, to say the least, I’ve found this whole play of a bat and a ball - a highly overrated sport and would be still going strong with this belief of mine,, HAD I not lived the day of 2nd April,2011.

I knew “cricket” in India was a religion.. I knew “cricket” in India was overtly highlighted and I knew "cricket" here was an unsaid mandate every sane Indian was expected to follow from birth. But, like exceptions in every breed, there was me - adding to a bunch of loonies - the disowned latter who failed to understand the thrill of this game!

And then came the morning of 2nd April,2011 which had a different air about it from its dawn. I still don't know WHAT had got into me that day?? And to think of it, the virus was in the air, infecting all...
As I picked a Blue to wear for the Big Day - and though I landed up wearing the Sri Lankan Blue(read:the goofy me;) I was in my heart ALL for the Cobalt team!! No tricolor painted on my face, no Sahara jersey tugged onto me and with for sure no money put at stake…, I , like an odd zillion Indians across the globe, was bleeding BLuE..I was catching the Final face off between India and Sri Lanka - how ever best I could!! Woooff!!

The Match - For the love of God, you can't explain to someone WHAT it feels when we have a Sehwag out at the God damn 2nd ball and “The GOD” (read:Sachin) following him!! We hadn't even settled down when missiles dropped at the bottom of everyone's belly, the sighs echoed and the prayers doubled up! Even God must have felt the jitters!! For even a cricket illiterate like me, I knew this match meant the World to us! We HAD to win it! It was not an Oscar, not a Nobel, but it was the World Cup!! (read:shouts)
I have never seen my country like this before! And I have never seen "me" like this too!! This domino effect had got me down into splits!!

Back to the game - We played an inning WORTH a World Cup Final. For anything more that I say will only understate the players’ brilliant display of work! The word's AWESOME!!!!! We WON THE WORLD CUP!!!! We became the World!! The Happiest Country in the World!!

Actually, it was not just a Win. It was not just a Victory. It was The Realization of a Dream. A Dream of a zillion souls together. A Dream bigger than any game, any war. A Dream whose fulfillment wrote a whole new chapter in history.

Yes, in the end, it is just a game of a bat and a ball. But, the eleven men in blue, cobalt blue - brought the whole nation to a standstill. And for the 2nd most populated country on the globe, THIS IS a BIG Thing!

I've read history,, heard of heroic tales,, watched war movies and witnessed a whole circus macabre on "patriotism"! But, to FEEL history being created IS something else for sure!
To feel life spring up past midnight..To feel flags waving at every corner..To feel strangers rejoicing with you...To feel tears shed for a win you didn't even contribute to..To feel jubilation, pride, happiness and To feel alive - all at once...This is THE FEELING I will pass down to my bloodline. This is THE FEELING I will reminisce sitting on a rocking chair. And This is THE FEELING that I will take back to my grave.

I didn't wrap the flag around my body, I didn't run on the roads carefree nor did I even honk at strangers passing by me..!!! But, as I watched a mother take her child to feel this moment,,as I heard drums thumping loud at 2am in the morning and as I felt a goosebump raising inside me, I felt patriotic for the f@#&% first time!!

"Thank You" can sometimes become a real short expression for someone who wants to say a lot in words and even more through emotions...

Yes, there are sports and there is an entire universe who may not even have heard of "cricket"..I am not a cricket fan, but, for now, I'm smitten by this game of a bat and a ball:):)

Word Count: 768
Emotions : Countless
For everything else,,, I still have a Master Card;P

With Love..

25th March,2010 – the day you died. 25th March,2010 – the day the girl in me died too. Your girl.

It has been one year today. 365 days of existence without you and I'm yet trying to figure out if the reason for that has been your strength or my weakness..?? And like it has been for a while now,, I land up with NO answer. Only silence. A deafening silence that has been creating more noise in my life than bringing across some solace.
So, yesterday when I was typing my leave application requesting for an off for today, I had to face the same ugly, bitter truth that I've been running away from – the truth that you are no longer around me. You are no longer there to wake me up, to have my tea, to hear my ramblings, to make me laugh...to make me smile, to make me happy and to make me feel “home” any place with you.

Crumbling from inside and carrying this dead womb of pain along, if words could EVER express my hurt, these pages would have been bleeding in a bloodbath now. But, I will write today. It's the best way I've know to express some of the most intense feelings and I'm hoping that "words" won't fail me this time too..

My dearest grandfather, I write this to you, for you. A Tribute To You, With Love..

From the day I remember, you have been my world. A world of happiness, care and a world of selfless love. From making me wear socks, tying my shoe laces to oiling my hair, seeing me off in the school bus and waiting for me endless nights for dinner,,, you've been my world. The world I loved living in.

And as much as I've said this to you while you were here, I say this to you again – I Love You. I love you for loving me so much. I love you for teaching me all that I would have never learnt otherwise. And I love you for being there with me, for me, day in and day out, till you breathed your last.

May be you are still around..as a spirit, as another soul..But, the bitter truth continues to rock my existence - you are not with me, in flesh..in person..

Three hundred and sixty-five days and I am still struggling to get a grip of your absence. I've searched for you in the stars, looked for signs in the pigeons and even prayed for you to come in my dreams. But, for now, all this has been bull crap. I couldn't find you.
I also tried to escape. Escape into the oblivion. From changing my time to wake up to the time of returning home, I changed everything and anything that reminded me of your absence. I changed my way of living. But, again, I FAILED! FAILED! FAILED! Miserably.

I have fallen into absolute nothingness and looks like hit the dead end of the road too.

Time has passed and so as per everyone around me “it's about time I get over it”.. I can't. And I can't for the sake of goodness even explain this to anyone interested.

So,,, I've come to this conscious awakening now - I don't want to move on. I don't want to. For anyone who has ever loved – loved with his whole heart, loved with his complete soul, loved without any selfish reason of "loving" will know that “moving on”, “getting over” and running away" are absolute invalid options. You can't “get over”, “move on” or “run away” from it. For love, in its purity, runs deep. True love runs within you. And I Love You.

And as a proud heir for some of the most beautiful virtues that you've passed on to me, I revive them here, exactly in the way you passed them onto me as a tribute for you to know that the seed you watered didn't run into the wild but blossomed under your sun and shade:)

"Love – Hate is easy. Love takes courage. Love with all your heart. Love with all your might. And Love all. There is no bigger gift, no better remedy and definitely, no larger motive than this. Love as much as you can and you will never be void of it:)

Kindness – Love will bring you this, complementary. Be nice. Be kind. Be human. Simplest of all and yet you will find yourself faltering at this one the most. It's the most precious gift to you. Don't lose it, else, you will be left with nothing for yourself.

Forgiveness – Be the bigger one. Be the better one. This is the toughest one and you need to master this. Many will hurt you and you will hurt many too. What is important in the end is that you forgive others for what they did and you forgive yourself too.

Happiness – The most desired emotion of mankind, it's foolish to know that we've made “happiness” so complex. Sometimes with your smile, sometimes with your deeds and most of the times by just your mere presence,, you will make someone's day! Now, that's the power you should desire for, strive for and aim for. Be happy and infest the world with it too:)

You will always find someone in dire need of "love", "kindness", "forgiveness" and "happiness".. And most of all, if you look around carefully, you will find so many showering the same on you,, knowingly and unknowingly..

Remember, you are good. Be the better one. Everyday, every time. For the rest of your life.”

I try:)

Thank You, Bapuji. Thank You, for everything. I Love You and always will<3

And for more reasons that I fail to put into words here, I want you to know that I STILL know of no other life than a life with you. I miss you. Badly:(

If I could write and bring you to life,
You'd be my rising star..
If I could write and bring you to life,
I'd never send you so far..

25th March, 2010. The Fall of My Hero, The Rise of My Angel.

With Love,
Priyanka

ps - Just for the record, you still are the MOST Dashing, Good Looking, Handsome, Cool Rockstar I've known! Your girlfriends;) miss you..So,do your pigeons..but, most of all, me..

There exists..

An asterisk under every commitment
A hole unseen in all passed judgment

A little truth hiding in the spoken lie
An unsaid “Don’t go” behind the said “Good bye”

An expiry date for every Never
An unread due date for even Forever

A little hurt in all the misunderstood silence
Aplenty love showered without an authorized license

There IS a method to every madness
There IS a pattern to all randomness

Deep down inside,,, it ALL makes complete sense.

The Scarlet Red

Splattered red on the wall
Attracts them, one and all..
The scarlet red, the glistening dye
Everyone around wants to buy..

“Marvelous!” I hear one say,
“How much ever it costs I’m willing to pay”

Thank You Mister, but, it’s not for Sale,
Why don’t you pick another and take it on bail.

In a pitch high he spoke again,
Assuming the volume will turn his boon to bane..
“Can’t you see, young lady, what this painting has done!!
Crowds have gathered, so many hearts has it won!”
There is something in this one that draws me to it; time and back,
The color, the dye, its spectacular mating on the canvas black!
I want this One only! It will adorn my hall!
Lighten up my room! Liven up my wall!"

“Quote your price, I’m ready to pay ALL it’s worth
Be sane and wise; and your life hereon will be full of mirth!!”

Pardon me if you can, but, I can’t give you this
It’s not what you see - a painting of bliss.

The scarlet red, the glistening dye
There’s more to it than what meets the eye..
Look carefully, I say, if you may must
It’s not the color palette that draws you just.

What the world calls the splendid art
Are but the shattered pieces of my heart.

The Replay

It all goes back to the start,
When it began with just a heart..
A heart that was meant to beat,
In turn, the owner did it cheat..

“Your command I followed”, said the trained lair,
“It was You who jumbled with the wrong wire..”
“I had asked you not to play it again”,
That song which messes up with your brain..”
“The song that you rewind,
For the perfect ending you hope to find..”
“But no matter how much you rewind”, said the sinner saint
“It’s fate you can’t really repaint..”
“The song’s already been written and You fit nowhere in the picture,
It’s a total misfit, you girl, like the wine served in a beer pitcher!

The devil in me awoke,
As the ego within had the heart poked..
“The lyrics can be changed! The song can be reframed!
It’s You, my stupid heart that so fears to get remaimed!
The song that itches you so bad,
The lyrics of which make you so sad..
It’s that song that brings him to me,
It’s the dream in which I choose to be..
He stays here for long,
As he writes me a new song..
A song that has me,
And together is the right place to be..
A song that he sings,
To give our love new wings..
The song that we play together,
As trespasses us every weather..
That song I’ll play forever,
A choice that is not a bit clever..
But, I take up this onus,
Of the pain and its bonus..”

And I went on, before interrupted the disturbed heart,
The crook began its sermon from the start..
“You foolish soul, I can’t let this play,
Can’t you see it’s You in the end who it’ll slay..
It’s a dream in the end,
A misleading fox you mustn't befriend..
It’s too good for it to come true,
It’s a picture you shouldn't have drew..”

I held in me a tear weak,
As the traitor in me continued to speak..
“Time will fly by,
And you’ll find a better guy..
Let him go if he must,
It’s your love that need not rust..
It’s in me, your heart, where he stays,
And I give you my word that your love won’t faze..”

Mum..I went with this last word,
My dream would breathe in now, even if the plea had gone unheard..”
Paused, both of us, for a moment we stayed,
Rewind before forward, I began to play..

“I can’t shake him off my head,
I can’t put me off to bed..
This music You may stop to play,
It’s the song, you know, that I’ll forever REPLAY.”

"Untitled"

It happened not so long ago from today. But, what’s astounding is - that it happened one day. Uncalled for.

It was one of the first weeks when rains had just settled into the city and we had just got into the full swing mode with our project submissions et al.
It was a Saturday. Dress code – Formals. Occasion – College Film Festival. Attendance – Compulsory.
Yaaaiikss..I so loathed the whole idea of “the dress code”. “Semi-formals”. That’s what I would read it as;)

“Cow dung”. I said to myself as I reran through my plan. Bear in for two movie premieres and sneak out for a bladder break...only not to return there after ;) I didn't feel guilty breaking rules once in a while.. The weather had lured me into doing this. The tube light white of the sky, the enchanting smell of the wet soil, the sudden life in the luscious green spread and the fuelled rainbow reflecting puddles.. With so much outside only “cow dung” could turn me in!

I entered the auditorium while it was still getting filled and headed to the top most of the empty rows, usually preoccupied by either the ‘gangwallahs’ or the ‘you & I couples’ of my batch. It was affirmative that neither of the two would disturb my solitude or my plan. So, I sat down as everyone around began to settle in; watching seats being booked, A/Vs being checked, roll call and volunteers running with bouquets for the judges’ welcome.. A lot of people butter skating their way to clear exams. How I damned this whole idea at that moment.

I wanted to be OUT. Out, where life was playing its own orchestra. And here I was - Capsuled within the four high walls of the audi, earning brownie points for having “attended” the event!
“Chuck it!” I took to Plan B. I refused to be in 2 places at the same time and made my pick. And just as I began to pick up my bag to leave, he appeared. To me, at that moment, he appeared out of sheer nowhereness and placed his helmet right below the seat next to me blocking my way out.
Gosh! I opened my mouth to talk and shut it the very same instant… when I looked into those eyes. Those eyes. Man!

I sat down back into my seat as if ordered by some external force and looked at him again.
He was too busy, shuffling between some goddamn papers and I was happy to know that he didn’t notice me noticing him;)

Hmmm.. I had never seen him before. “May be, he’s new or maybe he’s a proxy.” In any case, I didn’t care till he didn’t notice me. I was already sketching him in my virtual Photoshop folder. “For future references”, I justified myself. “Mud beige t-shirt hand tailored from the bottom; washed out jeans; out-of-the-bed hairdo and those magnetic, deep eyes.” I wanted to drown in those eyes.
Shit. I’ve never noticed so much in a guy before. Or maybe I never came across “him” before.
Simultaneously, of course, the event began and the jury was slowly unfolded. “Whatever...” I chuckled as a name was announced from the dais and it turned out to be his.
God! I swear on God, I never in my wittiest guesses chanced “him” to be a jury member. “Shit.” I said again. Only that it was audible this time.
Startled by my welcome note for “him”, he looked at me for the first time then. And did something for which he could have been charged for a lifetime. He smiled.

Man! That smile - starting from his one ear and meeting the other, covering the entire universe in its span! It killed me, there and then. Shot dead.
Though, I’m not sure if I smiled back or fumbled lamely. I was not me anymore. Something was happening and I did really not like it. It’s like when you are driving your own car and the brakes refuse to follow your command. Humph!

To further add to my dismay, the lights went out for the premiere show. “Perfect”. “Just when I lose the key to my own house, someone schemes a dark out!”
Now, I was really stuck. Stuck between wanting to get a grip of my hormonal, emotional, sentimental or whatever that was loudening the music inside my body to so desperately wanting to slow down the time from taking this moment away from me.

So, this was it. This was my coup de foudre moment. And I, as usual was not dressed for the occasion.
As the first movie rolled out, ramblings in my head roll – “At least you could have done your hair neatly or used the gloss for once!! Blah blah..The voice went on, but, I was adamant to figure out what had caused my breaks to fail!

I watched “him” from the corner of my eye and my eyes got affixed to “him” like metal to magnet.
Holy God! How I loved his sight. His undone hair, his bottomless eyes and his 360 Volt killer smile. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to know that he had just killed me. But, my mind flatly refused to accompany my thoughts to my mouth!"Traitor!"

Meanwhile, the audi suddenly sprang up to life and the judges gave their feedback, one by one. When he spoke, he killed me again. Now, he was charged for twin murders and he was totally oblivious of his crime yet! He spoke “intelligence”, I marked as he dished out the tiniest nuances of film making, camera handling, light usage, subject research,etc. And all this without boasting to be a “know-it-all.”
So, the guy with killer looks carried a brain and humility along as well. I must have died again...

As the movies unfolded, my gaze followed his moves between the occasional blackouts and light breaks. I could have continued to watch “him” for the rest of my life, I thought. I had just sprung up to life, after all.

And then came in The Intermission.

I couldn’t believe myself. I sat through half of the day within these walls and now wanted to let go of my glorious chance to “the great escape” for a complete stranger. I no longer wished to be outside when my breath was immobilized inside.I sat through the entire break ensuring no one else would take away my seat and hoping that “he” would not change his place on return. He didn’t. Another smile and I minused another life from me.
“A few more smiles and it’s Game Over for me.” I blushed and “he” spoke. We spoke. About the movies, studies, blah blah.. I don’t really remember the full conversation we had, but, I was glad that the iceberg was finally broken.

The lights dimmed out and we spoke again. The movies turned out to be really hilarious and we got a topic on hand to discuss. He found company to share his thoughts and I found a whole new reason to live life again.

It’s funny how ‘time’ hoodwinks us during our best moments in life. We were done with the show and he had to leave. I had to leave too…To get back to a routine I no longer related to, to get back to a life which suddenly felt incomplete & unreal without “him”.

“Courage! Find it, dig it, hunt for it..I don’t care..Get it for me!” I must have ran this instruction through my system a zillion times before catching hold of that thief.
“Ummmm..Excuse me. How can we stay in touch?” I asked him. I think my question was very direct & I expected him to give me his card or number. He replied, “Just google my name. You’ll find me.” DAMN HIM!! I was clean bowled.

As he moved down the stairs of the audi, I watched him from behind. He came into my life like a bubble from nowhere and disappeared just like it into nowhere. A bubble that’s hard to define, harder to catch and hardest to preserve. You have to watch it disappear in thin air and preserve all that it offers you – a magical memory and a happy face:)

Would I really google him out? Would I really get in touch with him? Was it really what I thought it was? Was he really who I thought he was? Would we really get connected? Would the story in my head spring to life as I had that day? Would I tell him what I felt? Would the guilty be charged? Questions loomed over me.
Then, there, I had no answers to any of these.

Today, do I have answers to any of these? Yes and No. He came in without my permission. I loved him without his.

The answer to where this story ends or how it ends is answered in the beginning itself.

P.S. – the name;)