25th March,2010 – the day you died. 25th March,2010 – the day the girl in me died too. Your girl.
It has been one year today. 365 days of existence without you and I'm yet trying to figure out if the reason for that has been your strength or my weakness..?? And like it has been for a while now,, I land up with NO answer. Only silence. A deafening silence that has been creating more noise in my life than bringing across some solace.
So, yesterday when I was typing my leave application requesting for an off for today, I had to face the same ugly, bitter truth that I've been running away from – the truth that you are no longer around me. You are no longer there to wake me up, to have my tea, to hear my ramblings, to make me laugh...to make me smile, to make me happy and to make me feel “home” any place with you.
Crumbling from inside and carrying this dead womb of pain along, if words could EVER express my hurt, these pages would have been bleeding in a bloodbath now. But, I will write today. It's the best way I've know to express some of the most intense feelings and I'm hoping that "words" won't fail me this time too..
My dearest grandfather, I write this to you, for you. A Tribute To You, With Love..
From the day I remember, you have been my world. A world of happiness, care and a world of selfless love. From making me wear socks, tying my shoe laces to oiling my hair, seeing me off in the school bus and waiting for me endless nights for dinner,,, you've been my world. The world I loved living in.
And as much as I've said this to you while you were here, I say this to you again – I Love You. I love you for loving me so much. I love you for teaching me all that I would have never learnt otherwise. And I love you for being there with me, for me, day in and day out, till you breathed your last.
May be you are still around..as a spirit, as another soul..But, the bitter truth continues to rock my existence - you are not with me, in flesh..in person..
Three hundred and sixty-five days and I am still struggling to get a grip of your absence. I've searched for you in the stars, looked for signs in the pigeons and even prayed for you to come in my dreams. But, for now, all this has been bull crap. I couldn't find you.
I also tried to escape. Escape into the oblivion. From changing my time to wake up to the time of returning home, I changed everything and anything that reminded me of your absence. I changed my way of living. But, again, I FAILED! FAILED! FAILED! Miserably.
I have fallen into absolute nothingness and looks like hit the dead end of the road too.
Time has passed and so as per everyone around me “it's about time I get over it”.. I can't. And I can't for the sake of goodness even explain this to anyone interested.
So,,, I've come to this conscious awakening now - I don't want to move on. I don't want to. For anyone who has ever loved – loved with his whole heart, loved with his complete soul, loved without any selfish reason of "loving" will know that “moving on”, “getting over” and running away" are absolute invalid options. You can't “get over”, “move on” or “run away” from it. For love, in its purity, runs deep. True love runs within you. And I Love You.
And as a proud heir for some of the most beautiful virtues that you've passed on to me, I revive them here, exactly in the way you passed them onto me as a tribute for you to know that the seed you watered didn't run into the wild but blossomed under your sun and shade:)
"Love – Hate is easy. Love takes courage. Love with all your heart. Love with all your might. And Love all. There is no bigger gift, no better remedy and definitely, no larger motive than this. Love as much as you can and you will never be void of it:)
Kindness – Love will bring you this, complementary. Be nice. Be kind. Be human. Simplest of all and yet you will find yourself faltering at this one the most. It's the most precious gift to you. Don't lose it, else, you will be left with nothing for yourself.
Forgiveness – Be the bigger one. Be the better one. This is the toughest one and you need to master this. Many will hurt you and you will hurt many too. What is important in the end is that you forgive others for what they did and you forgive yourself too.
Happiness – The most desired emotion of mankind, it's foolish to know that we've made “happiness” so complex. Sometimes with your smile, sometimes with your deeds and most of the times by just your mere presence,, you will make someone's day! Now, that's the power you should desire for, strive for and aim for. Be happy and infest the world with it too:)
You will always find someone in dire need of "love", "kindness", "forgiveness" and "happiness".. And most of all, if you look around carefully, you will find so many showering the same on you,, knowingly and unknowingly..
Remember, you are good. Be the better one. Everyday, every time. For the rest of your life.”
I try:)
Thank You, Bapuji. Thank You, for everything. I Love You and always will<3
And for more reasons that I fail to put into words here, I want you to know that I STILL know of no other life than a life with you. I miss you. Badly:(
If I could write and bring you to life,
You'd be my rising star..
If I could write and bring you to life,
I'd never send you so far..
25th March, 2010. The Fall of My Hero, The Rise of My Angel.
With Love,
Priyanka
ps - Just for the record, you still are the MOST Dashing, Good Looking, Handsome, Cool Rockstar I've known! Your girlfriends;) miss you..So,do your pigeons..but, most of all, me..
